


I Held Him In My Arms

by swv



Category: Alkaline Trio (Band)
Genre: Depression, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 12:50:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16576835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swv/pseuds/swv
Summary: “I like you.”And it was like a punch to Dan’s stomach, suddenly he felt like he couldn’t breath.





	I Held Him In My Arms

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first I’ve written for this pairing and I’m kinda nervous. Not only because I feel like I might not do Dan justice, but also because this is the first thing I’ve finished in 6 months.
> 
> And some housekeeping.  
> I don’t own anyone, this is a work of fiction.  
> I don’t make money out of this.
> 
> And thank you to my betas, L and F who took time from their busy schedule to help me with this; ni har varit fantastiskt hjälpsamma!

Dan noticed how wrecked Matt looked, like he'd been crying all night or been constantly drunk for the last seven nights. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot and his usually soft looking skin was looking greasy and rough – like he had to get thicker skin just to survive whatever life was throwing at him.

Dan had known Matt practically all his adult life, but this look was new. Sure, he had seen him look like a mess before – drunk off his ass or high as a kite, devastated and so happy that he didn’t know what to do with himself. But this time Matt looked like he was about to surrender. Matt always dealt with shit like it didn't apply to him by just shrugging it off and continuing with his life. This time it was killing him, with the world as his audience, as his witness. This time it would absorb him until there was nothing left of the Matt he knew.

He had tried to approach Derek with these news, but one look at Derek and he could tell that he wasn't doing much better. He knew that Derek had his own problems, he didn't want to add burden to already heavy shoulders, and so he decided to do something about Matt by himself. 

The new Matt had become obvious when they as good as lived together on tour. The lack of privacy revealed to Dan just how far gone Matt was. He stayed in bed most of his time, eyes bloodshot when he finally got up, the pile of books he had brought with him was untouched and he was barely eating.

So, first thing was to get Matt out off bed, which turned out wasn't that hard. When he got back to the bunks and tried to start a conversation with Matt the other man almost fled the bus. Dan decided to not take it personally. After all, he had achieved his goal – Matt was out of bed for more than gigs and bathroom breaks for the first in what seemed like forever.

That took him to his second task at hand, getting Matt to eat. That one was a bit harder. As soon as he stepped into the same room as Matt, he left the food he was trying to get down in favour of leaving the room. Whenever Dan ordered Matt's favourite food, Matt just poked around in it without meeting his eyes. So Dan decided to put that one off for now, even if he was getting worried about Matt's health.

He tried to get Matt to do stuff he loved; painting, reading, anything really as long as he didn't just mope around. That didn't work out either, since Matt barely wanted to be in the same room as him.

That had him thinking that the problem might not at all lie with Matt, but with himself. Had he done something to make Matt angry or upset with him? Whatever he might have done, he couldn't figure it out. He let Matt be, took a step back to not upset his friend more than necessary. But from afar he could see Matt's condition worsen; when Dan wasn't there he didn’t do much of anything.

Then the day came when Dan couldn't take it anymore. He cornered Matt one morning when they were alone in the trailer, blocking Matt's escape by placing himself between Matt and the door.

“Matt, is something wrong?” 

Matt's eyes turned into saucers at Dan's question, lower lip almost started to quiver, but Dan felt like he couldn’t stop now that he finally talked to Matt about his worries. “You’re not eating, you sleep all the time and you leave the room as soon as I enter… Is it something I’ve done?”

Matt tried to flee the room and the trailer, but Dan blocked his exit and Matt turned on his heal and escaped to the back of the bus instead. Dan could hear him get into his bunk and he took a minute to calm himself down, giving Matt a couple of minutes to calm down as well before following him.

“Matt, seriously, you're starting to scare me. What happened?” Dan sat down next to Matt who had covered himself with his blanket so that only the top of his head was sticking up. He let his hand run through Matt's soft hair, tried to comfort Matt, but instead the blanket started shaking – like the person hiding there was sobbing violently. 

Dan laid down and pulled the bundle closer to himself, at a loss of what else to do he started singing in a low voice for the bundle and after a couple of minutes he could feel Matt relax in his arms.

“I like you.” He heard the bundle whisper and Dan held his breath, afraid to miss anything that Matt whispered from under the cover. “I mean, I’m in love with you...” 

It was like a punch to Dan’s stomach. He had been in love with Matt for years, but had been so sure that Matt would always be out of his reach. He had given up on his crush a long time ago. He had chosen a life with another person he loved, he had made a life and had started started a family with her. But Matt's whispered words shook Dan’s well ordered life at its foundation.

Dan realized that he should answer Matt in some way, that he should say something – really, anything would do by now – but no words felt like enough. Instead he held Matt closer.

Matt turned in his arms so that they were facing each other, faces just inches apart. His pale blue eyes were visibly rimmed with red as he observed Dan’s face in wait for a reaction.. 

“I used to love you like that too.” Matt’s eyes were studying him close and there definitely was pain in them. “I never thought that I could be of any interest to you and I tried for so long to move on.”

Matt looked down between them, like he was carefully weighing every word he spoke. “I know this is fucked up, I know it's selfish of me to say this to you now.” Their eyes met and Dan could see Matt’s expression change; where there had been a void in Matt’s eyes there was now so many emotions that Dan felt his heart clench. “I just love you, and I wish it wasn't too late for us.”

Dan pulled Matt closer, kissed his forehead and thought of their current situation. He wasn't proud to admit that he wondered if there still was some way that he could be with Matt and still keep his current life. If he somehow could love Matt and his wife parallel to one another. But he didn't want to be that guy – the one who left a wife he loved and their child for another. He didn't want to be that guy who cheated. He fucking loved his wife, he considered himself the luckiest man alive to be with her – how could he throw all that away for a fling with Matt?

“I know, me too.” He sighed against Matt's forehead. Dan felt Matt move closer, curling up against his chest and he could feel the silent sobs that ran through the other man. He wanted to cry himself but it felt wrong. He had nothing to cry over in comparison to Matt. This heartache was Matt’s. Instead he held him through it all and hoped that it would soothe his pain, at least a little.

And then Matt calmed down and they laid there, as close as they could get, Dan felt ashamed of himself for thinking of how his life would turn out if he applied for a divorce.

Matt looked at him and Dan’s heart almost broke. “Can we still be friends?”

“I fucking hope so, I can't lose you like that.” Dan said and tried to smile as sincerely as possible.

Matt was looking like he wanted to say something more, but he stopped himself, and Dan wondered what Matt had wanted to say. Did it mean that Matt had thought of something that Dan himself had overlooked? Logically, he knew that it was false hope – there just wasn't a way that they could be together as more than friends – but he couldn't stop thinking about it. Maybe a small part of him wanted to be asked to leave his current life behind and start something new and long overdue with Matt. “Were you gonna say something just now?”

Matt looked at him, sadness and defeat dominating his expression. “I don't want to give up.”

“Me neither, but I don't see another way.” Dan's heart plummeted to the bottom of his stomach as he said the hated words out loud, but it had to be done. “Do you?”

Matt shook his head silently, and held Dan closer. “This is okay though, right? I can at least be close to you like this?”

Dan hesitated, he buried his head in Matt’s soft hair. “Okay, but just for tonight. We can’t do this. I couldn’t bear it in the long run. It’s too hard.” Matt sighed but nodded, Dan could feel Matt quiver in his arms. Deep inside, it would probably hurt Matt too. Dan didn’t want to hurt him any more.

After the tour Dan didn’t call Matt and Matt didn’t call him either. And when Derek asked what had happened between them, Dan just told him that they needed a break from each other; it was up to Matt if he wanted anyone else to know. Dan was determined to give Matt the time he needed, even if made his heart ache.

**Author's Note:**

> So, since this is the first I’ve written for this pairing I would really appreciate if someone told me if somethings wonky.  
> Or, you know, that I did a good job? :)


End file.
